So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
