Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
