OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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