my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
