Who did Billy Mays play for?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
