I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
