One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Randomize
