Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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