Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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