No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize