I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
