We named our party play list daddy issues
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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