Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
