Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
