I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
