someone threw a dead crab at me
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
