If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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