You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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