God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
