Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
