Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
