I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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