My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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