You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
