Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
