After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
