As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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