You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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