Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
