Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
