The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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