I'm going to jail i love you
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
my being single is dangerous.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
