either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
