Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Alive.
So much puke
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
