there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
