I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
