Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
