If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize