oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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