he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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