i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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