Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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