I faked an abortion last night.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
