Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
40s are totally the cure
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
