Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
