now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize