I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
