i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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