Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
