I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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