imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize