Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I forget how to act sober
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
