Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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