I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
