sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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