hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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