My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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