You really coming over, don't trick.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My liver is preforming stress tests.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
