I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
