the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
